


Before Letting Go

by TheChosenBetrayer



Series: Immortal Avenger [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Brother Feels, Feels, Inside Loki's Head, Loki - Freeform, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki's Madness, Loki's Thoughts, Poor Loki, Post Avengers (Movie), Post Avengers Asgard, Post Thor Movie, Psychological Torture, Thor - Freeform, Thor Angst, Thor Feels, Torture, feels everywhere, feels in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-04-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 20:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 16,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/654044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChosenBetrayer/pseuds/TheChosenBetrayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thoughts and revelations of Loki before letting go of Gungnir and falling into the abyss to be captured by the Chitauri, what Loki endured at the hands of Thanos, the one who put the sceptre in his hands, and coming back home to Asgard in chains.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life Clung to Him

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fanfiction (I hope it isn't complete shat)!
> 
> So this is a Post Thor and Post Avengers story, meaning the first part will be Post Thor and the second part Post Avengers.
> 
> And sorry this chapter is so short! The next chapters will be longer, I swear. This is just sort of a prologue.
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing; all credit goes to the rightful creators, which is not me.
> 
> Also, credit to the writers of Skyfall for the "Life clung to him like a disease" quote.

_**Life Clung to Him** _

_Life clung to him like a disease._

Falling into the abyss was the beginning of the end of Loki. He fell knowing that the disappointed face of the man he once called father was going to be the last thing he would ever see and the agonized cry of Thor the last thing he would ever hear.

It was no less than what he deserved after all the pain he had caused. Looking into the face of Odin, Loki realized how sorely he had miscalculated.

" _You are unworthy of the loved ones you have betrayed…"_

Those words might as well have been meant for him. He had been so wrong, and so angry and scared after he discovered what he truly was. Not of Asgard, the only home he had ever known filled with light and warmth, but of Jotun, that cold realm of darkness and desolation. Loki would have done anything to make that terrible truth become a magnificent lie. Loki had taken the opportunity of Thor's banishment to right the wrongs of his past, prove to Odin that he was worthy of his love, of Asgard, and destroy Jotunheim so there would be no doubt where his loyalties lied. But it had all gone wrong… Now what would people say after they find out the truth? He had been treated differently all his life as if they had already known. The only one that had never failed to love him was Thor…and what would he do if he found out? Thor had called the Frost Giants monsters, and even as a child he had sworn to slay them all. If Thor knew, would he think of him as a monster to be slain? Would he look at him with the rage of battle and scorn in his eyes? Loki would rather die than lose Thor's love that way…or have him die.

But he had been so scared and hatred, not hot like fire, but cold like ice burned in his heart. He had acted out of fear and desperation to wipe the shame of his true origins from the face of the universe. He never wanted Thor to discover the truth about him.

Loki could see that Thor had changed after his time on Midgard. He could already see him slipping though his fingers, could already see Thor hating him. He had been so  _wrong_. How had things gotten so away from him, so out of control?

There could be no forgiveness for what he had done. How could there be?

Looking at Odin's face, Loki saw how tired he was, how much suffering he had brought upon all of Asgard. Such a mess he had made of everything…

Odin held onto Thor's bootstraps with all his weary strength. There was no way he would be able to pull both of them to safety himself or hold them there before help arrived. Loki then realized he could do one thing to amend for all he had done, to spare them the pain that would come with forgiving him.

Loki turned his gaze to Thor. He was so sorry his anger had been brought down upon the one person he loved more dearly than anyone else. He was so scared to lose his love that he had acted as if he already had…but he could save him now, he could save Thor from himself.

"Loki, NO."

" _I am so sorry, brother,"_  was the last thought before he let go of Gungnir, of Asgard, of being Odin's son, of hope, and of Thor…

Loki didn't want to live anymore, so he let go.

But life clung to him like a disease without a cure. He had called to death, but pain at the hands of Thanos was all that answered…


	2. Meeting An End

**_Meeting An End_ **

 

A low rumbling brought Loki to consciousness. He moved his aching limbs beneath him to help push himself erect, his hands scraping against bare rock.

He was alive? But how?

Opening his eyes, Loki found himself lying amongst the ruins of the Bifrost, the gates to the home he was now forever barred from, shattered against sheer rock. Tears stung his eyes as he righted himself against the nearest broken piece of the Bifrost that was reaching up out the ground it was buried in as though it were mourning the injustice of its banishment from Asgard. Loki rested his back against the cold golden metal now absent of all its former shine. His body ached, likely from colliding with the ground, but he didn't remember the impact. He must have blacked out long before he reached this place…wherever this was. Loki could not bring himself to care where he was. He did not die. Maybe death was too kind, Loki thought as he lowered his head to rest his chin upon his chest. Maybe this was his Nifleheim. There would be no death that came with the promise of peace for him.

Every breath of life tasted like poison. Raising his dejected gaze, Loki turned his eyes to the skies. There was a vague hope that he refused to acknowledge that wished to look up and see the fiery skies of Asgard. But, of course it would not be so. Instead he saw the iron black and blue sky of a galaxy he had never seen before, amidst floating asteroids scaring the horizon. It made him miss the skies of Asgard that much more.

A deep rumble shook the ground beneath him, causing Loki to jump and brace his marred hands on either side of him as he searched for the source of the quake. Without warning, a craft flew over his head and turned about abruptly to face him. Upon the flying craft were two creatures he had never encountered before, grotesque flesh covered with dully burnished metal. Then there was another, and then another until he was surrounded. By then, Loki had found himself on his feet, not sure of what to do. They chattered and screeched in a language unknown to him. His heart began to pound as he caught sight of their shield-like weapons that seemed to be attached to their arms.

Suddenly, one of them jumped down from their flying craft and approached Loki, the shaft of his weapon raised. Loki stepped back and raised his hands as if to show that he was not looking for a fight. He heard the other creatures still a safe distance away on their flying crafts, click and chatter away, seemingly at their comrade. Unexpectedly, the monstrous creature rushed him. Loki side stepped the attack and used its momentum to bash its head against the metal of the Bifrost with a resounding bang. The creatures screeched their outrage and flung themselves to the ground. Loki barred his teeth at them, a dagger of ice forming in his hand. With surprise, he looked down at his hand where the blade had formed. He didn't even notice the soldiers running towards him. It looked like the dagger that Laufey had formed within his hand when he tried to murder Odin…

Loki let the ice melt to frigid water that dripped between his fingers. He remembered then that he was the son of a Frost Giant. The Frost Giant Laufey, who he had slain. The sorcery he had used to do battle and play tricks on Thor and Sif and the Warriors Three, was the same sorcery Laufey wielded.

All the fight left Loki as the warriors descended upon him. If this was his end, he would meet it gladly and without the use of his tricks.

The first blow snapped his head around and sent him crashing into the shard of the Bifrost. His hands braced the impact, but he was unable to keep his footing. Loki fell into the dirt where large feet broke his ribs, crushed his fingers, and bruised his limbs.

Loki choked on the dust kicked up from the shuffling feet, seeking impatiently to beat him down. He closed his burning eyes, praying for the end to come soon. When he thought he could take no more, the onslaught stopped and they moved away.

Loki lay with his face in the dust, the dirt mixing with the blood pooling from his mouth. Slowly, he strained to raise his head to see why they had spared him, or what they had spared him for. A grunt escaped his bleeding lips as he shifted his body to bring into his line of sight a robed and hooded figure, a white and gold breast place upon its chest. Loki could not see its eyes, but its red mouth framed with an open gold mask about its face, sneered down at him. Loki did not hear what it said to him before his vision filled with darkness.


	3. Plans For You

**_Plans For You_ **

 

Loki woke at first slowly with the smell of his own blood and dirt on his face assaulting his nose, and then all at once by the scream of pain radiating from his wrists. When Loki opened his eyes, he found that he was bathed in a dim light from above which came from the open space between the rocks. It was dark around him, but not dark enough to see the cave like structure rising up like a claw around him. Looking up, he discovered his bare and battered arms were raised above his head with his wrists bound in shackles. His toes were barely able to brush the floor, and that was only when he stretched to attempt to do so.

He thought about calling out, but to whom? Who would come? Would those creatures return if he stirred?

Loki's mind flashed back to the robed figure he saw right before he passed out. How long ago was that, he wondered? That must have not been long ago; he could still taste his blood and the dust in his mouth.

Loki didn't know how long he had stayed there in that desolate cave, waiting for what? He didn't want to think about that. So there he stayed, stripped bare, even of his dignity, cold and alone with this burdened thoughts…just as it was always meant to be.

"Awaken," a harsh voice commanded, stirring Loki back into the world of the accursed living. He lifted his head, squinting against the light and into the cloak of darkness the figure was shrouded in.

"Who are you?" Loki asked, his voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.

"We," the voice said, "are the Chitauri." The robed figure from before circled around Loki, hiding just at the edge of darkness. "Who," he hissed, "are you?"

Loki's brow scrunched in confusion as his mind worked to place the name of Chitauri. He was certain he had never heard, nor encountered the race before today.

"I am Loki, of Asgard." Loki said without thinking about it. It was reflexive and unconsciously done.

"Asgard!" the hooded figure stepped into the light, illuminating its grotesque face and sharp blood red teeth. "My Master will be most pleased to hear about this sudden luck."

Loki's head spun painfully. No, he was not of Asgard. He never was. But still, he felt his heart ache and worry blossom in his chest. "What luck does your master have to gain in Asgard?"

"What luck have you lost in Asgard, Loki, to have traveled so far outside of the light of the realm eternal?" another voice, deeper and more commanding than the first spoke. Loki shuttered, straining against his chains.

"Who are you and what interest do you have of Asgard?" Loki demanded, his voice tearing at his dry throat. The new voice revealed its master as he stepped into the light surrounding Loki.

His face was none for beauty. His luminous pale blue eyes shone against sickly purple skin stretching to cover his broad square face. When he smiled, his perfectly straight and white teeth flashed.

"I am Thanos," he informed Loki as he squared his shoulders and placed his hands behind his back. "And I am more interested as to what Odin's son and brother to Thor is doing here so far from where you hail from with its gates broken around your feet."

"I am no longer of Asgard," Loki spat. "I never was. So let me go or kill me. It matters not to me."

Thanos tilted his large head. "Loki of Asgard that is who you are, is it not? You are Odin's son, brother of Thor."

"NO!" Loki shouted through clenched teeth as tears welled in his eyes. "I NEVER WAS!"

Thanos squinted his blue-eyed glare, his smile amused as if he was just guessing at Loki's meaning, but not quite believing it. "It cannot be…Tell me," he ordered.

"No," Loki stated, the word drawn out like a threat full of malice as he glared at Thanos, his head bowed and eyes hinting at madness like a man that had taken too much pain for any one person to handle.

"You will tell me," Thanos sneered. "Even if I have to extract it from your head myself." With that, Thanos approached Loki, his large inhuman hand extended. Loki battled against his restrains in vain, his breath coming short and fast as Thanos came nearer.

As soon as his fingers brushed against Loki's temple, he screamed. It felt like a hot nail had been driven into his head and exploded. Tiny threads with tips like needles wormed their way through his memories. He saw Asgard as if he were standing outside of the hall to the throne room. He saw Thor, his golden hair and eyes like lightening. He began to relive memories he'd rather forget and have die with him.

Loki's screams were of agony, not only from the pain of Thanos' touch, but of his mistakes that he would never atone for, not even with death, which seemed to slip through his fingers like smoke.

Finally, Thanos released him laughing. Loki slumped forward, completely spent as sobs racked his broken body.

Thanos bend down and lifted Loki's face with a thick finger. "Never fear child. I have great plans for you…"


	4. The Fight and Fate

**_The Fight and Fate_ **

Torture was not the worst part. No, it was not. Of course the consistent beatings, stabbings, burning, and poisonings were more than he thought he could bear. Enough to last him a lifetime in fact, for the creativity of the Chitauri was boundless and his endurance limited. No, the torture was not the worst part of his confinement. It was the fact that he was going to give in.

He was going to give in because there was nothing else he could do. They would not let him die. They would not simply leave him to rot. The torment would not end until he yielded, and he could take no more of it. The strain on his body was beginning to wear on his mind. Especially when Thanos came around.

In the span of time when they let his body heal, all he had were his thoughts to keep him company…

" _I have seen inside your mind, Loki. I saw what they did to you-"_

" _They did nothing to me that wasn't of my own doing." Loki snapped._

" _They lied to you, Loki. Odin lied to you. He told you could become the king of Asgard-"_

" _Stop it!" Loki growled. He felt like a wounded animal cornered and defenseless, Thanos' words cutting like knives. But Thanos would not stop._

" _He dangled the throne in front of your face and let you believe that if you were good enough, you could rule your beloved Asgard." Loki turned his face away and squeezed his eyes shut as if that would protect him from the torment of his words. "Odin knew he would never let you sit upon the throne, a Frost Giant, son of his enemy."_

" _Enough," Loki begged with a whimper. The fallen Prince of Asgard, begging._

" _He knew he was going to give Thor Asgard all along, but he let you hope anyway. The ultimate cruelty. To let you think you could be one of them, give you a home where you could never really belong. What a jest. Odin must have felt some satisfaction in seeing the son of Laufey watch his world fall apart. After everything, he might as well have thrown you into the abyss!"_

" _ENOUGH!" Loki yelled, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't bear to listen anymore. Such lies dancing in the arms of truth. Loki didn't want to believe, but the agony of his doubt made every beat of his heart painful._

_Thanos knew he almost had him and smiled. So he kept coming back._

" _Odin favored Thor all those years," Thanos said softly, throwing Loki's own words in his face, "but it wasn't that you weren't good enough, Loki. Even you see that now."_

_And it was true. Loki had seen it ever since Odin admitted his true parentage._

_Odin made him feel like he wasn't good enough to rule Asgard, even though he had told him ever since he was a child that he was born to be king. Odin made him feel beneath Thor, and no matter what he did or how hard he tried, he would always be in the shadows of the brilliant might that was Thor Odinson._

_But it wasn't that he wasn't good enough. It was because he wasn't a true Prince of Asgard. He was a Prince of Jotunheim and no matter how much he loved Asgard, he would never belong to it. It was never meant to be his._

_And the days after that._

"I thought that we could unite our kingdoms one day and bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace through you. But those plans no longer matter..."

_Loki's head snapped up and his eyes bored into Thanos'._

" _Stop that," Loki demanded his voice nearly cracking. Thanos was playing back his memories in his head. He was playing back the moment when he began to doubt that Odin ever really loved him._

_The moment his heart broke…_

" _There was one thing that Odin did not lie about, Loki Laufeyson. You were born to be king. But do you think that Jotunheim will welcome you back with open arms after you betrayed them and murdered their king? Will Asgard ever forgive you, a Frost Giant, their most hated enemy for trying to murder their prince? Those bridges are all burned. What is a king without a kingdom to rule? You belong nowhere…"_

_Loki's haunted gaze stared off into nothing, and every so often a tear would slip down his face to trail down his throat._

_Suddenly Thanos was behind him, whispering into his ear. "I can help you, Loki. I can give you a kingdom in which they will be grateful for your rule. I will give you…Midgard."_

_Loki furrowed his brow, bewildered. "Earth?" Loki then remembered Thor's banishment and how his time there had given him a newfound love for the mortals that dwelled there…his love for that_ woman _. The idea of possessing something Thor treasured somewhat appealed to Loki._

" _How could you give Earth to me when it belongs to Odin?" Loki sneered, not believing Thanos._

" _I have an Army…and with the Bifrost gone, there will be no way for the Asgardians to defend it." Thanos then whispered, "And I can give you power that you have never before dreamed of possessing. There will be none that can stand in your way if you will it."_

_Loki shifted his eyes, uncertain. "Why?"_

_Thanos stepped away, grinning. "The humans have something that I want. If you get it for me, my army will be yours to command to conquer and rule Earth."_

_Loki scowled, "Why don't you go and take your army to conquer Earth and retrieve it yourself?"_

" _It is not my Fate, Loki. It is yours…"_

Loki hung here in the dark, his thoughts tormenting him, his mind fighting him.

He hung there waiting. For what?

For his Fate, he realized. Death was not his Fate as he had thought it was. Was this his destiny? Was he meant to rule Earth? Could he?

How many days had they tortured him? How many weeks had Thanos tormented him, weaving truth in lies? How many months had it been until Loki had started to believe?

The footsteps he had dreaded hearing for as long as he could place who they belonged to echoed against the walls as they drew nearer. The shadow of Thanos fell across Loki. He lifted his head to look into the colorlessness of Thanos' pale eyes.

Today was the day he gave in…

"What do I have to do?"

Thanos grinned. Victory was his.


	5. The Price of Power

**_The Price of Power_ **

 

They unchained Loki from his shackles and let him drop to the floor. It was about as painful as everything they had thrown at him those uncountable number of days. Loki lied on his back, writhing in pain. After being in one position for so long, his muscles reacted violently to the sudden change. His muscles seized as spasms wracked his body, causing Loki to gnash his teeth to keep from crying out.

He was aware of his clothes being thrown somewhere near his head before they left him there.

Before Loki could find the strength and the courage to get up, someone brought a basin of water and a trey of what the Chitauri considered to be food.

Soon Loki was able to roll to his side, his head pillowed on his clothes that had been stripped from him so long ago. His shanking hand reached up to weakly grip the fabric with his dirty fingers. He pulled the familiar cloth close to his face and as he closed his eyes, breathed in. He searched in vain for a scent that would bring him a memory of home. Maybe Frigga's sweet smelling perfume had clung to him when she last embraced him, or even a sharp burning trace of Thor and his lightening. Either would have been welcome after days of smelling his own blood and filth, but there was nothing there. It seemed as if he were the only one clinging to the memory of Asgard.

Clenching his jaw, Loki painstakingly rose to his feet. He stumbled and nearly fell before reaching the cave wall which was blemished with tiny craters. The tiny basin of water lay at his feet, a semi-clean cloth hanging over the edge. He used these to wipe his blood and the grime off his body before dressing. Loki allowed himself to feel the comfort of being in his own clothes again. After a moment of standing there with his hands placed over his armor about his chest, he turned his attention to the rations they had given him. He furrowed his brow and bent down to get a closer look. To Loki it looked like regurgitated rocks. Was this their excuse for bread, he wondered as he picked up the crushed metal plate and sat back down. Loki was famished enough that he didn't think twice about attempting to try it.

It tasted like metal and pockets of dirt that burst like powder in his mouth. They had gifted him with a pitcher of water to wash it down with, but even the water tasted sharp.

Somehow he managed to finish it all. Loki was about to put the dish aside and venture out of the cave when he caught sight of his reflection on the surface of the dull, but gleaming metal. He lifted the plate in front of him and angled it until he could see his face.

A visage he didn't recognize stared back at him. His eyes were hollow, his face pale and gaunt. He looked sickly. It was like all the life had been sucked out of this miserable creature. Loki lowered the plate until it rested on his lap.

Was that really what he looked like?

In a burst of anger, Loki threw the plate across the room where it banged against the wall and came clattering to the floor.

What Loki had seen was the shell of the man he used to be. A shining prince of Asgard, bathed in light and glory, with a home, a family, and purpose. But that was all a lie. Every last bit of it, stripped from him.

Everything he loved, believed, hoped and dreamed about was all gone. What was left was this emptiness, hollow inside where his heart used to be.

 _Odin did this to me,_ Loki thought bitterly _,_ remembering the look on his haunted face. _If he would have left me where he found me and sought another way to bring about peace between Asgard and the Frost Giants, this never would have happened to me. I wouldn't be in pain and alone. This is his fault…_

Loki backhanded the pitcher across the room and grit his teeth. No, he didn't want to have thoughts like that. Odin had given him a home… _and then took it away._

_NO!_

Loki shook his head to banish his restless thoughts.

Maybe his newfound purpose to rule Earth would fill the rift…But who was he trying to fool? He knew deep down that he didn't want it. What was Earth to him?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Earth couldn't compare to Asgard. Earth  _wasn't_  Asgard. Nothing could replace his longing.

But he could try.

* * *

Loki emerged from the mouth of the cave and turned right into a narrow pathway. He followed it until it opened up to a world of barren rocks and black skies filled with stars shrouded by great wisps of dust forming into clouds in the universe. Floating around them were other great breakages of rock as if there had been some collision that shattered them apart and they all orbited around each other, never to be whole again.

Stepping out further, Loki discovered that within some of the floating asteroids a glowing blue light emitted from the cracks on their surfaces. He walked around cautiously, still finding that he was alone until he stumbled upon a flight of stairs carved out of the rocks with the blue light. Before he could even think about ascending, a voice spoke behind him.

"Welcome to the realm of the Chitauri."

Loki spun around and saw the robed figure he hadn't seen in what seemed like a very long time. Not that Loki was glad to see him. Loki took a moment to take one more look around them.

"Charming."

"He is waiting for you," he said, pointing with his misshapen hand to the steps before Loki. Eying the steps, Loki began to walk up them, occasionally looking up to see where they led, but the way was obscured by an edifice of rock. He rose until he came upon a moderately open space with what looked like back of a throne-like chair carved form the rocks placed like a pedestal before him. From there Thanos rose, his back to Loki.

"Come, Loki of Asgard. I have much to show you."

* * *

Thanos could teleport. And the places he took Loki were worlds darker and stranger than the last. Worlds Odin hadn't even dreamed of. The knowledge Thanos shared with him, ancient and powerful had broadened his mind. But when it came to the secrets of the Tesseract, it opened Loki's eyes to more than just knowledge, but to true power. It was seductive, this power and it had no qualms with pulling Loki in.

"Is that what you wish for me to retrieve from Earth?" Loki asked.

Thanos chuckled, "You are perceptive." Loki said nothing to this. "Yes, the mortals have it. They have no inkling as to its true power, but even a small trickle of power from the Tesseract can be…devastating."

"How am I to find it?" Loki wanted to know. "If the mortals have it, they will have it under heavy guard."

"Do not fret," Thanos sneered. "I have something that will take you right to it. And once you have it, use it to open a portal to this realm where the Chitauri will be waiting to win you the earth."

"What is this 'something' that will bring me to the Tesseract?" Loki questioned. Thanos eyed Loki with his colorless blue gaze.

"You will soon be ready for it, but first, a lesson in pain."

Loki didn't have time to react before Thanos' fingers were on him, sending a shock right through him. He flew back and landed on his side, hardly able to breathe. He felt as if he had been stomped on his chest and then electrocuted, his energy drained.

"What are you doing?" Loki demanded as he clutched his chest, his voice breaking in panic. He thought this torment had been over with!

"To wield the scepter, you must first endure pain," Thanos explained as he stepped closer. Loki shuffled away on his back, fear swimming in his eyes.

"I HAVE ENDURED PAIN!" Loki shouted, his voice faltering. His back hit a solid surface. There was nowhere to go.

"No, you haven't," Thanos said kneeling before Loki. "Not yet."


	6. Fear of the Dark

_**Fear of the Dark** _

 

Loki hadn't moved. He stayed where Thanos had left him, his legs drawn up to his chest against the unyielding rock face he had been thrashing against only hours before.

Loki didn't dare blink.

He was afraid. But not of Thanos. Thanos as a friend. His ally. No, not of Thanos.

Loki was afraid of what he would see if he closed his eyes. Because when he closed his eyes, he was looking up at Odin and Thor as he let go. He saw them getting smaller and smaller until they faded away, enveloped in darkness as he fell further away, bringing him to this place.

He saw Frigga running to Thor and Thor embracing her as he looked at him like  _that._  Like it was  _his_  mother, as if Loki would hurt her.

He saw the Lady Sif looking at him with such  _scorn_. He saw her and the Warriors three, his friends, riding to the Bifost,  _betraying_  him.

He saw Heimdall as he swung his sword to  _kill_  him. He saw Odin as he stood there,  _claiming_ to love him. Loki could believe he never loved him now. What father would do this to a child he loved?

He saw his hand turning blue and his nails turn black, revealing to him the lie that always was.

Loki hugged his legs closer to his chest as he grew colder.

Once he was real, he was somebody's child and he could feel something once in a while. He was once somebody's friend. But no longer.

He felt so small, lost. Abandoned… And the pain of remembering what they did to him was too much.

Was it his fault that he was the son of Laufey? That Odin had brought the son of his enemy into his home? That he loved Asgard? Loki clenched his fist and thought back to the time when he was king for those brief triumphant moments. In that short time did he not kill Laufey, his real father, the most hated amongst the Asgardians? He was destroying Jotunheim himself, without the cost of Asgardian blood. Was he not doing what Thor would have done, had he been king? Though Thor would have marched thousands of soldiers into Jotunheim in search of glorious battle, because that was how Thor did things. But not Loki. He was saving lives…

"I am better for Asgard than Thor is," Loki said out loud, though there was no one there to hear. "I  _am_  the rightful king of Asgard…"

Loki felt the rumble of the ground beneath him as a Leviathan slowly flew by. He turned his head to watch the terrifying creature go by.

Those beasts would be a part of his army.  _His_  army.

Loki carefully unwrapped himself and stood to peer over the precipice. From up there, he could see the multitudes of the Chitauri. If he could wield the scepter and retrieve the Tesseract, this would all be his. And he could  _rule._ And why shouldn't he rule? He was a king. A king that was betrayed by his friends and lied to by the ones who were supposed to love him most.

He  _deserved_  to rule Midgard.

Loki's lips were pulling into a smile as he realized what he was going to do, what Fate was allowing him to do.

He no longer questioned who he was or how he belonged in this world. He knew  _exactly_  who he was and he was going to make this world  _belong_  to  _him_.

* * *

"The Tesseract has awakened. It is on a little world, a human world. They would wield its power, but our ally knows its workings as they never will. He is ready to lead. And our force, our Chitauri, will follow. The world will be his. The universe yours. And the humans - what can they do but burn?"

"Indeed," Thanos mused. In his hand he held the scepter. Loki was certainly ready to wield it after his last exercise. He was weak, and already broken, therefore easy to mold into the soldier he needed. Thanos had prayed on Loki's want to rule and his need to  _belong_.

" _Pathetic,"_ Thanos spat.

"Master?" his subordinate questioned.

"Bring him to me," Thanos ordered, ignoring servant's confusion caused by his outburst. He bowed as he left to go fetch Loki to him.

Soon Loki was before him. When Thanos looked at him, he saw the glint in Loki's eyes and he knew his work had been done. His mad dog, unleashed on the humans. What could they do but burn, indeed.

"Take the scepter, Loki of Asgard and bring to me the Tesseract." Loki took it in his hands without question.

"Do not fail me." Were Thanos' last words before Loki knelt before him and activated the scepter.

 

 

**End Part I**

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be posting the first chapter of part two, which is Loki post Avengers, within the next couple days *hopefully*.  
> Your feedback is much appreciated and thanks for reading!  
> See you soon for part two! Yay Thor!


	7. I'm Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I live!
> 
> Welcome to the first chapter of part two of Before Letting Go! I admit it has been a long time coming, that's for sure. But I have an excuse! I'm currently taking on 15 units and have little to no time OR energy for much of anything but homework. But since it's a holiday weekend, and I've had some lovely reviews from some friends, I have written! It's short, but it is something to help me get started!
> 
> Enjoy! And please, tell me what you think!
> 
> Encouragement does wonders for a writers soul!

**_I’m Coming Home_ **

Beaten.

He hadn’t been expecting that.

Failure.

Had he been geared for anything else?

Loki stood surrounded by Earth’s heroes, his hands chained and his mouth muzzled. Silenced…for now. He glanced up at Thor as he approached with the Tesseract, the item Loki had failed to secure for Thanos.

_"Do not fail me."_

Loki repressed a shudder. He wasn’t about to think about what was going to happen now that he had failed Thanos. Loki had more pressing matters in the forefront of his mind.

He was going back to Asgard. He was going back home.

Loki never thought he was going to see that place again. He never dared hoped he would. Taken, he wasn’t being welcomed back there with open arms. He was not the prodigal son returning home to warmth and forgiveness. He was going back as a war criminal. But nonetheless, he was going to see Asgard again after what felt like years of darkness and pain. He was going somewhere he loved, before everything was taken from him.

Loki gazed at Thor’s face. He look…disappointed. Loki felt his heart beat once painfully. Why did he still let himself care what Thor thought? They weren’t brothers. Not really, no matter what Thor continued to think. They couldn’t be. They were enemies. Didn’t that thick headed fool see that?

Thor lifted the Tesseract and offered the handle it was contained in to him. Loki glanced down at it and back up to Thor. This was his ticket home and he found that he didn’t care what he found at the other end of the bridge. He would see Asgard again.

At least one more time.   

Loki took the handle in his chained grasp and lifted his gaze back to Thor. Thor barely looked him in the eye before turning his gaze away again. He had to admit he deserved that, but he didn’t want it to hurt so much.

It bothered him more than he was willing to admit how Thor refused to give up on him. How he thought after everything he did that they were still bothers. Loki had tried to kill him, several times, but still, he called him brother.

 _Sentiment_ , Loki thought.

Well, there was no room in his heart for that. Sentiment and warm feelings were for the weak and it made you blind to the truth. Loki had learned that the hard way, and he didn’t need that lesson again.

But the look on Thor’s face now…why did Loki feel so ashamed?

 _He is my weakness,_ Loki realized. Thor was his weakness. He was where Loki put his heart because he knew Thor was the only one who really cared about it. And Loki had tried to make Thor hate him. He had tried to rip his heart out, to prove that it didn’t exist anymore. Because it hurt too much to see _that_ look on the face of the one that you love the most. It was the look of someone at the end of their rope, of someone ready to give up.

Had Thor given up on him yet? The fool should have a long time ago.

_You should have put me out of my misery when you had the chance…you and father…Odin._

The light from the Tesseract flared up around them. That familiar feeling of transcending filled Loki. He felt a strange trepidation and gladness mix in his chest.

Whatever lied in store for him now, he didn’t mind in this moment. He would see the skies of Asgard again, the Hall of Valhalla, and the rainbow bridge…

He would see _home_.   

 

 

 


	8. This Poisonous Dream

**_This Poisonous Dream_ **

 

The light faded around Loki and Thor until it was no longer blinding.

The Tesseract had dropped them upon the ruin of the Rainbow Bridge far from the gates. Loki turned and lifted his face to the familiar galaxies and stars swirling above the spires of Asgard. Unwillingly, his eyes misted.

He was home at last.

Loki stumbled a step to the side of the bridge near the jagged edge and peered over the side.

It was strange to be back where it all began. It felt like a lifetime ago. And in a sense it was. That Loki who was dangling over the edge, staring up into the faces of the people he loved, the people he failed, was gone. He was dead before he even let go.

That Loki hadn’t been strong enough to handle the trails that were thrown at him. The Loki he was now was born of lies and pain and darkness. He was its master and he lied and killed to get what he wanted. There was fear where there once was love and Loki thought, _I like that better._   

Thor came up beside him and looked upon Loki’s face. Before Thor could say anything, a far too familiar voice addressed them.

“I see you were successful.”  They both turned to see Heimdall still standing sentinel at the end of the bridge where the Bifrost used to be. Loki felt hatred stir in his gut. Heimdall had no love for him. He had betrayed him, just like everyone else.   

Thor tied Mjonir to his belt and lifted the Tesseract in the other. “The Tesseract is here-”

“And you have brought the traitor here to be tried for his crimes.” Heimdall finished for him. Thor clenched his jaw, but nodded once.

Loki sifted his eyes, silently glaring at both of them, unable to say anything.

Thor suddenly took him by the back of his arm. “I will make for the gates at once.”

“I can send for horses-”

“Thank you, Heimdall.” Thor said, dismissing him before turning to go, guiding Loki beside him.  Loki glanced over his shoulder one last time to see Heimdall staring after them, his face like stone but his golden eyes narrowed distrustfully. Their eyes met and Loki smiled beneath his muzzle before looking forward.

It gave him much pleasure to see Heimdall dismissed like that. That fool’s head had gotten too big for his helm.

It felt strange to have the shimmering colors of the bridge beneath his feet once more. There was nothing else like it in all the nine realms and beyond. He would be able to revel in it for a while longer before they reached the gates and his fate was decided.

“You never had to do any of this Loki,” Thor said quietly, surprising him. Loki peered at him out of the corner of his eye as they continued walking. He began to wonder if Thor had spoken at all because he wasn’t even looking at him. What did Thor want him to say anyway? He couldn’t speak, not with this wrenched muzzle covering his mouth.

“I don’t know why you persist in wanting to destroy everything that I love…including yourself.”

Loki stopped short, his eyes glued to Thor. Thor stopped a step ahead of him and turned. He gazed into the confusion of Loki’s gaze directed at him. A silent communication.

“Just because we do not share the same blood does not make us brothers any less. You do not have to hate yourself because you are of Jotunheim.” Loki stood completely still, shaken by Thor’s words. He had said the like of it on Midgard, and for a moment he had wanted to believe it. This sentiment, however, would not change anything. How could it? He had come too far to give in now. How could he? Not after everything that has happened.

Loki looked away.

_No, you give up this poisonous dream, Thor…_    _I can never be your brother._

Thor reached from him. “Loki I-” Before Thor could say or do anything else, the sound of hooves upon the bridge drew their attention.

A small army of Einherjar were riding for them and were soon upon them. They must have seen them coming from the walls. Thor stood next to Loki as if he were trying to hide him from their sight. Old habits of trying to protect him, Loki supposed. Though the gesture touched him, he couldn’t help but think that if Thor continued to act this way towards him, it would get him killed.

_Idiot, why can’t you just leave me!_

“We come to escort you though the city and to your father’s hall. He is expecting you.” The foremost Einherjar informed Thor. Another brought forth a mount while the other spoke. It was intended for Thor.

Thor looked at it and shook his head. “I will walk with him,” he said grabbing Loki’s arm once more. Angry, Loki ripped his arm out of his grasp. Thor turned his head and scowled at him. Loki returned the angry look and gestured with his chained hands towards the mount.

The Prince of Asgard should be seen riding triumphantly though the city upon that fine horse, his prisoner in tow, not walking alongside him. Thor reached for Loki again, but he evaded his hand. Loki’s stubbornness won out, and not wanting to look a fool in front of his father’s soldiers, Thor mounted the horse after handing over the Tesseract to another.

They tied Loki’s hands with a thick leather rope on top of his chains and handed the end off to Thor to secure around his pommel. Thor took the rope, the look on his face unhappy. But Loki didn’t care. This was the way things had to be. Thor had to get used to the fact that there was nothing left for him to save.

Nothing at all.

With their entourage gathered, they made for the gates and on to Odin’s hall. 


	9. You Let it Happen to Me

**_You Let it Happen to Me_ **

 

The streets of Asgard were crowded with her citizens, all waiting to see the return of their prince.

Where there should have been cheering, there was silence. They watched with scornful eyes as Loki stumbled behind Thor's mount.

 _Traitor,_ they whispered.

_Betrayer._

_Prince of Lies._

_Bane of Asgard._

_Monster._

Loki turned his head and caught sight of the woman whispering into the ear of the man next to her.

Monster, she accused?

Loki snapped his head forward again when he lost sight of her as they continued ahead.  

His ears burned.

He had done nothing to them. He had wanted to protect them, just as Thor wanted to. He would have done it better. He would have rid them of Jotunheim. He would have been loyal to them, like he had been all those years 

These were people he would have died for, for the love of Asgard. Now they cursed him...

They left the silence and the whispers behind and made for Valhalla. As soon as they arrived, Thor dismounted and untied Loki's hands.

"You should not have had to endure that, Loki." Thor muttered to him. Loki scowled up at him, his eyes burning with scorn.

_Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I don't need your pity._

Thor frowned, but said no more as he led Loki into the hall, his face grim. A guard of Odin's men walked in formation around them.

The doors opened with a resounding boom, announcing their arrival. Behind the doors and within the hall were a score of people.

It reminded Loki much of Thor's coronation. Much of the same people were there, but of course they were not there to see a Prince of Asgard crowned king this time. No, this time they were here to wittiness a Prince of Jotun's downfall.

There was silence here too. It was like everyone was holding their breath. The sound of their footsteps on the floor and the clinking of Loki's chains were the only sound as they approached the throne.

Loki looked at them with his hollow eyes, a smirk hidden beneath his muzzle.

They feared him. They feared what he might do, what he  _could_ do.

 _Good. They should fear a man with nothing left to lose_. 

Thor pulled Loki to a halt. Loki raised his head to see Odin standing before the throne of Asgard in all his golden armor, Gungnir in his weathered grasp.

Loki lifted his chin defiantly, challenging his once father's gaze.

But Odin really didn't know how good it was to see him. After everything, all the lies and disappointment, he was still the man who raised him and gave him life where there should have been death. He was the only father he had ever known, just like Asgard was the only home he'd ever had.  

Odin raised Gungnir and slammed it down again with a bang, bringing noise into the deafening silence he demanded.

Loki and Odin looked at each other. Odin's eye was watery as if he were pained, but there was also a hardness to it. 

"Loki," he said, his voice echoing in the massive hall. "Loki Laufeyson, traitor of Asgard, you are brought here to be tried for your crimes against the crown and the realm of Midgard."

His words were like a knife in his heart. 

 _Laufeyson_...

Not Odinson. He disowned him. In front of everyone, in front of all of Asgard. 

Loki’s eyes began to burn with the familiar sting of tears.

He thought he didn't care. He thought that deep down, after all this time had passed that he had finally accepted that he was not Odin’s son.

But hearing it from Odin’s lips made it final. It made it real.

Loki hadn’t realized he had been hoping Odin wouldn’t forsake him. That he might still love him like he said.

_“You are my son…”_

But what kind of hope was that? It was a fool’s hope. He had been hanging onto something that could never be. Just like he could never be Thor’s brother.

Hearing Odin disown him was the final snap of the ties he had to his old life. The life of a glorified Prince of Asgard. The life with a family that loved him and a home that welcomed him. A place to belong.  But Loki had ruined it all. It was all his fault…

Anger raging to fight against the pain that burned inside Loki lit a fire in his haunted eyes.

 _NO!_ Loki surged forward, screaming. Hands were there quickly, holding him back. **YOU** _DID THIS TO ME! YOU_ **LET** _THIS HAPPEN TO ME!_  

Loki thrashed and rebelled against the ones who restrained him. “You are henceforth banished to the cells of Asgard,” Odin declared over Loki’s muffled screaming, the clamor his thrashing caused, and the horrified voices of those present to whiteness Loki’s madness. “There you will stay until a punishment suitable for your treason can be arranged.”

Odin raised Gungnir and slammed it down by his foot with finality.

 “Father!” Thor called out, his head whipping back and forth between Loki being dragged away and his grim faced father.

 Odin silenced him with a growl. Thor’s face dropped and filled with distress as he turned to watch Loki dragged through the doors.

 There was nothing he could do.

 Even with the muzzle on and the doors closed behind him, they could still hear Loki’s screaming.     


	10. Demons On My Tail

**_Demons On My Tail_ **

 

Loki woke at first slowly with the smell of his own blood and dirt on his face assaulting his nose, and then all at once by the scream of pain radiating from his wrists. When Loki opened his eyes, he found that he was bathed in a dim light from above which came from the open space between the rocks. It was dark around him…

Wait.

This wasn’t right.

No, he wasn’t back here. That was impossible! He was in Asgard, _worlds_ away from this.

Panic reached inside his chest, grabbed his heart and squeezed. This couldn’t be!

No, no, no, of course this wasn’t real. A dream then. But only Loki didn’t dream.

He had nightmares.

_“Loki…”_

The voice came like a whisper in the dark. Loki whipped his head about, trying to see who had spoken his name.

Then he came, like had come before; from the darkness and without mercy. Fear, unbidden and unwelcome clawed Loki’s mind. Loki feared nothing, but he feared him. Oh, he feared him with every fiber of his being. He who made him. He who could _un_ make him.   

“No,” Loki breathed through cracked lips. “You are not real.” He swallowed painfully, “This is not real!”  

“No, this is not real.” Thanos admitted. “But I can make it _feel_ real.” Suddenly he was in front of Loki with the tips on his fingers on his face.

Loki screamed and continued to scream even after Thanos turned from him. He screamed until he could no longer draw breath, until his throat was raw.

“You failed me, Loki. I always knew you were weak. And _pathetic._ Just look at you.” Thanos said from the edge of the shadows, his bright cruel eyes watching as Loki slumped forward, his chains the only thing keeping him upright.

Silent sobs wracked his body. “So kill me,” Loki cried without looking up.

“You don’t deserve death, Loki. She is a cruel mistress and Hel will not take you so willingly.”

Loki closed his eyes tight, pressed his head against his chest and wept. “What more can you take from me?” he sobbed brokenly.

Thanos was close to him again. Loki could feel his breath on his face as he said, “Oh Loki, you have so much more to offer me yet. You see,” Thanos paused and lifted Loki’s face, but Loki didn’t look at him. He kept his eyes tightly shut as if that would keep the nightmare at bay. “I have come to burn your kingdom down, and no rivers, lakes, nor the tears of heaven will put that fire out.”

Loki tried to pull his face away, but Thanos’ grip only tightened. “You are the spark that sets those fires burning, Loki. I’ll make use of you yet.” He shoved Loki’s face away.

“I’m coming for you…”

Loki awakened already sitting upright in the middle of his darkened cell.

But he didn’t open his eyes, not until the tears dried.

Thanos was coming to destroy Asgard. And he could now with the Tesseract here.

There was nothing he could do to stop it either. Everything, _everything_ would be destroyed and he would truly be left with nothing.

But why should he care? No one wanted him. If Asgard were destroyed, so what? This was no longer his home. The people he would have loved and protected now cursed his name and banished him to this fate.

If they suffered at the hands of Thanos it would be a sort of justice. Reaping what they had sowed.

Loki opened his eyes and looked up slowly, bitterness and malice burning in his gaze.

Demons were on his tail and the devil was coming for him…

And he didn’t care.


	11. A Lesson in Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! They just keep coming! You guys better comment and tell me what you think because I'm procrastinating doing homework to write these! xD (You don't have to, but reviews are really very nice, even the little ones! We can cry together!)
> 
> And thanks to ashbrie13, turquoisetumult, Hippodameia, Ireland_Ranger, and TheElleth for your encouragement and enthusiasm! Really, guys, it means a lot and you have my love for it. 
> 
> Enjoy! (Or don't because I enjoy your pain BWAHAHAHA!)

 

**_A Lesson in Lies_ **

 

Loki sat with his long legs crossed and his back against the side wall of his cell. His eyes were lightly closed, and his scarred and dirty hands rested on his bony knees.

He was hungry, thirsty, and the muzzle was beginning to chafe. But overall he was weary, weary of it all.

But he could not sleep. Sleep was elusive ever since that nightmare vision he had of Thanos. Every time he felt himself drifting off he'd jerk himself awake.

So in the dark quiet of his cell he waited more than he rested.

"Loki."

Her voice came like a forgotten memory. Opening his tired eyes, Loki saw Frigga all golden with beauty, with a trey at the door of his barred cell.

_Mother?_

Frigga smiled, though timidly, at Loki when she saw him looking at her, a confused, yet surprised expression on his haggard face. She motioned him over with a nod.

Loki got to his feet carefully and steadied himself against the wall before he took any steps towards her. When he was in front of her, Loki could see that she was as ageless as ever and exactly as he remembered her. However, he could see the weariness of concern in her eyes. How awful and different he must look to her after all this time.

"I brought you something to eat," Frigga said as she eyed the muzzle and set the trey down on the ledge. "I also brought the key to take that  _thing_  off you. Here, turn around."

Loki did so. He wasn't about to pass up a chance to get that wretched thing off his face. When his back was turned, Frigga reached though the bars and unlocked the muzzle.

She must have talked to Odin, Loki mused. He wasn't sure how he should feel about that.

Frigga let the muzzle drop to the floor. Finally free of it, Loki worked his jaw carefully. His lips were dry and cracked, but bled little.

He turned back around to discover that Frigga had retrieved the platter of food and had placed it on the little slot they had in the middle of the bars.

Without saying anything, Loki grabbed the sides of the platter and began to pull it through. But before he could, Frigga placed her hands over his.

They were as warm and soft as he remembered. Gentle and loving after every bump and bruise and scrape she tended to when he was a boy.

Those hands had no business touching his; rough and dirty. There was blood on his hands he would never be clean of. But he didn't shy away…

"Why did you betray us, Loki?" she asked in a hushed whimper.

Loki narrowed his eyes as the icy cold grip of anger closed over him, all those good feelings gone.

He ripped his hands away as if her touch disgusted him. The trey fell with a loud echoing clatter at his feet. The hurried shuffle of many feet coming down the hall filled their ears. The guards emerged from around the corner, ready for a fight.

Frigga, though startled banished them off with a, "It is alright" and a withering look when they lingered too long.

When she was certain they had returned to their posts and they were alone again, Frigga turned back to Loki. He hadn't moved from his place behind the bars, his eyes hard and too angry to know what to say.

"Did we not love you enough?" Frigga wanted to know, her hands clasped tightly beneath her breasts.

"I think you are forgetting who betrayed whom, here." Loki snapped, shifting away from the bars. "I only lied as much as you lied to me."

"We were only trying to protect you. You are my son," Frigga countered.

"But I am NOT your son. I'm a monster and you knew that all along," Loki hissed.

_I am not your son. Maybe in another life you could have been my mother and we could have been happy…but not in this lifetime. I have to lose you, too._

"You may not be our son in blood, but you are our son in our hearts," Frigga told him.

Loki stared at her. His throat began to close up as her words stroked his heart. But he would not be so taken as to let her move him. He couldn't. There was no going back for him. He was in a  _cell_  , waiting for his trial.

It was too late.

Frigga moved closer to the bars. "When Odin brought you to me and placed you in my arms, I let you into my heart. I raised you as if you were one of my own, because deep down you were always meant to be mine. Odin loves you, too. He saved you because you were meant to be his son. He taught you-"

"BUT WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL  _ME?"_ Loki yelled, his hand jamming into the center of his chest. He couldn't stop the tears from slipping down his cheeks as he looked at her. "And why was Father," Loki continued, his voice breaking, "why was he teaching me to hate myself?"

His voice died out into a whisper, his hand still shaking as he pointed towards himself. He remembered all the stories Odin told him about the war with the terrible Frost Giants. He remembered Thor, promising to destroy them and Odin smiling at him… Growing up, knowing that they were the enemy. How could they raise him, knowing what he was, yet teaching him to hate who he was?

_The monster parents tell their children about at night…_

Frigga stood there, frozen in place, not knowing what more she could say.

"Loki, I-"

"Enough," Loki said, his voice cracking. "I've had it with your lies." His voice began to regain its bitterness as he continued to speak. "Leave here knowing that you and your precious Odin did this to me. That the boy you claimed to love, suffered and died because of your deceit. Leave here and never show your face to me again."

"But Loki I-"

Loki slammed his body against the bars. Frigga gasped and jumped back.

"I don't want your love. I don't need it. Your love is like a poison in my veins and I despise you for it. GO!" he bellowed.

With tears in her eyes, she ran from him. He could hear her slippered feet retreating down the halls.

Loki closed his eyes and rested his head against the cool bars.

_You don't want me for a son. It's better this way. I was only ever meant to hurt you in the end…_

Loki retreated to the darkest corner of his cell and slid to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs and cried.

He cried like the lost child that he was.


	12. Better Not to Breathe

**_Better Not to Breathe_ **

****

Tiny rays of light filtered into Loki’s cell from the grate above. Loki stood in the path of the light and let it sink into his skin, though it did not warm him. He was as cold as ever.

He closed his eyes and held his hands behind his back. Even he had to admit that he had grown tired of the darkness. Every once and a while he found himself wishing for the comforting warmth of light. But instead he had been wallowing in the shadows more and more these days.

What was left for him was the waiting. Would Odin or Thanos come for him first? Loki wasn’t sure which he preferred. Loki had no love for Asgard anymore. It was never his to begin with. It had turned into a house of lies filled memories that did not belong to him. Asgard had forsaken him, so why should he care. It would be what Odin deserved to watch his kingdom burn and to have his world fall in around his ears.

Maybe then he would understand what it was like to have all he had torn away. Odin would fall into darkness. But Loki would not let him have it.

No.  

Loki opened his eyes and glared up at the light. Darkness was all he had.  

Loki heard the echoing steps of someone approaching his cell. He knew who it was without having to turn around.

Dread filled his system.

He was not expecting Thor to visit him. He hadn’t when he was in the cage on that flying fortress, so why now? So soon and still so raw after his encounter with Frigga?

Loki steeled himself.

“Ah, the Mighty Thor.” Loki drawled, bitterness seeping into his voice. “Has the Allfather come to a decision yet?”

“No,” was Thor’s rumbling reply like thunder after a lightning strike. Loki barely shifted his head to glance over his shoulder.

“And why is that?” he wanted to know.

“It is not simple.” Thor sounded miserable. It made Loki’s heart hurt to hear him sound like that, but it was Thor’s own fault. He shouldn’t care like he did. It would be easier for them all if they just realized that there was no going back to the way things were, no matter how much he wished they could. No matter how much he wished that this was all just a bad dream that he could awaken from.  

But there was no happy ending, not with him.  

When were they going to give up? He already had…

“You would think Odin would not have any trouble sentencing a traitor to death,” Loki said returning his gaze to the light shining above his head.

“Is that what you want, Loki? To have him put you to death? Do you have any idea what that would do to him?” Thor demanded, suddenly angry. “He raised you, loved you like a son.”

Loki twisted around abruptly, favoring Thor with a critical eye. “So people keep telling me.” Loki lifted his chin and looked at Thor down his nose. “It is better not to breathe, than to breathe a lie.” Before Thor could respond, Loki said, “He went through the motions of loving me, but he really did not, Thor. Not like he loved and favored you.”

Thor’s stormy expression turned even more grim. “You cannot think that Loki,” Thor muttered. “You cannot believe that they loved you any less because of me.”

Loki’s face slowly dropped.

 _No, Thor. Don’t do that. Don’t put this on you, you big idiot. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine…It’s Odin’s. I’m so sorry you were caught in the middle of all this… I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted_ you _to hurt me…_

But he could never say that to him. Never. It would be like running a mile back when he had already taken so many painful steps forward. It would give Thor hope; hope that there was something redeemable about him.

And there wasn’t.  

“Is that why you hate me so much?” Thor asked quietly. “Why you have tried to kill me?”

Loki controlled his features so that Thor would not see how his conclusion had struck him to his core.

“Yes, I imagine you would still be a bit bitter about that.” Loki said, rolling his eyes as if Thor were being overly dramatic. “But not _everything_ is about you, _brother._ ” Loki spat. “My issue is with Odin. That liar. Born to be kings? I see the irony in that now. I was only taking what I was owed, what I deserved.”

Thor seemed to deflate, his face molding into an expression of sadness. He couldn’t help but feel guilty, like he had something to do with Loki becoming _this_. Like there was something he failed to see. “What could I have done to have prevented this?”

Loki eyed him carefully before he turned away.

He knew Thor was going to be trouble when he walked in. He was going to make him start _feeling_ things…like regret.

Didn’t he feel it enough already? He regretted hurting Thor more than anything. He just got in the way. He got in the way of his purpose, of him trying to start over without them…without Thor. It was the only thing he had to hold onto and that made him angry. It made him lash out.

Thor who had everything and was everything Loki was not. He was strong and beautiful with a perfect halo of gold hair and lightening. He was a shining Prince of Asgard and everything a prince should be. He was fearless and brave, a conqueror and a fearsome warrior. Thor excelled at everything Odin valued. All his life Loki could see how proud Thor made him and Loki had to live off the meager scraps of Odin’s praise; secondhand and left still cold in Thor’s shadow. Always in his shadow and never far behind, because without Thor, he would never be noticed. It was like he wouldn’t exist.

In reality, what was Loki without Thor? How could he have ever thought he could start over without him?

How could he ever deny that he loved Thor either, when Thor was the only one who ever loved him unconditionally? Loki _lived_ off of Thor’s love. Without it, he was as good as dead. He was nothing. Thor was his heart and he couldn’t live without it. Not while he was in this world. Because with Thor alive and breathing, it meant that Loki would always have a weakness, a tether to his old life. He would always have pain.

It was time to sever all ties. To get it through Thor’s thick skull that there was no going back.

It was time to cut out his heart and restart.

“There is nothing you could have done, Thor. No matter what either of us did, we would have always ended up,” Loki paused glancing around his cell before meeting Thor’s gaze, “here.”

Thor shook his head, “What are you trying to prove? Some self-fulfilling prophecy because of whose blood runs through your veins? That is not who you are, Loki!”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!” Loki bellowed. “You’re a fool, Thor.” Loki accused violently. “A _damned_ blind fool, to think that this was not who I was always meant to be, who I was _made_ to be by your _precious_ Allfather. Because of his lies, I have known pain, pain that you cannot even imagine. And what would you know of it? The Mighty Thor who has everything, Mjolnir in his grasp, the love of his people, and a kingdom to inherit. What would you know of loss? You’ve never had anything ripped from you, only ever given. You are a proud and _ignorant_ fool.”

A silence fell between them. They stood staring at each other for what felt like a long while.

“You have failed to realize that you are not the only one who has been lied to.” Thor said slowly, his voice on the edge of anger. “You are not the only one who has been lied to. They never told me about you either…you are not the only one losing everything.” Loki couldn’t help but let his mask drop when seeing Thor’s vulnerability written all over his face. “I have known pain, Loki. I have known war and failure. And I have known despair at the thought of losing you.”

Loki opened his mouth to speak, but Thor spoke before he could utter a syllable, his voice quiet like the breath before a storm. “I see now that perhaps you are right. Perhaps I am being a fool to think there is anything left of my brother inside you. Because the brother I knew, was not like this. The brother I loved would never be this way. The Loki I knew was ready with a smile and never failed to make me laugh. He was a brother I trusted more than anyone and he would never hurt me this way.

He told me once to never doubt that he loved me, but every time I encounter you, the more I doubt. I see now that the brother I was trying so desperately to save is truly gone and that you are nothing but a monster that destroys everything he touches. I will not let you tear apart what is left of my family. I will not let you destroy my kingdom. My duty is to protect Asgard and the nine realms from you. And I will do it. And I will not let you or my feelings for you get in the way of that again."

Loki stood on trembling legs as he stared at the blurry visage of Thor. Only then did Loki realize that there were tears gathering in his eyes.

Loki had done it. He turned Thor against him. He finally got what he wanted and it hurt so much. It hurt more than he imagined it would.

He had kept pushing and pushing Thor away and now that the tether had finally snapped, it was like he couldn’t breathe.

Loki’s world tilted and his head spun painfully.

Through blurry eyes, Loki saw Thor turn away as he took a hazardous step closer to him.

_No, no, no, no, no-_

“Brother, please,” Loki could barely get the words out over a whisper. His voice was lost under the weight of what he had done.

But Thor was walking away, like he had not heard him.

“Thor, wait!” Loki cried out desperately. But he was already losing sight of him, already slipping through his fingers.

Loki lunged forward and threw himself at the bars. “THOR!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

 _No, no, no, no no!_ Loki’s mind reeled frantically. _I can’t do this, I can’t let you walk away like this!_

“THOR!” he yelled again, wanting desperately to bring him back.  

But Thor was gone. He was gone and he was never coming back.

He took a slow step back away from the bars, retreating into the shadows staring wide-eyed with tears gathering and falling from his eyes, a look of utter horror on his face.

_What have I done?_

Somewhere in the back of his mind…Loki could hear Thanos laughing.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:This chapter was such a hard chapter to write, to be honest. I had written it about three times before I finally adapted it into this version. Loki and Thor's relationship is just so complex, in my opinion. This character Loki is so bent on not wanting to care, but he does. He still cares about the people he loves enough to push them away (as we saw with Frigga) so that he won't hurt them anymore. In reverse, if they hated him, it wouldn't hurt him as much when he does lash out at them. Buuuuutttt, Loki miscalculated, as he usually does and he's letting go of more and more of himself which will result in his complete and utter ruin if he doesn't change his tune.
> 
> I just thought I'd express my thoughts on the matter.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Your thoughts and encouragement are vastly appreciated!


	13. War Makes Killers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I live! :D
> 
> I'm sorry it has taken me this long to update ;-; I've been too busy with school to write anything substantial. Even this chapter is too small. But it's just a warm up setting up for the next chapter! School is ending in a few weeks, so depending on the flow of things, I should be updating a little quicker!
> 
> ENJOY!

_**War makes killers** _

__

Loki felt the sickeningly familiar pull of Thanos dragging him away from his consciousness. In his mind he was no longer sitting in the darkness of his cell. Instead, he saw himself standing next to Thanos looking down on a visage of Asgard.

"We are here." Thanos said grinning. Loki turned his pale face to gaze upon him. They were alone.

"We?" Loki dared to ask. Thanos' stark white grin widened.

"My new army," he said turning with his arm spread wide. Loki followed his gaze and saw the legions of soldiers standing in formation behind them in a world Thanos had shown him before.

"The Dark Elves?" Loki whispered, aghast. "What of the Chitauri?"

A smirk pulled at Thanos' lips. "The Chitauri were decimated after  _you_  failed to lead them." Loki swallowed hard. "Yes, I see you know what fortune is about to befall you, Loki of Asgard. Though after the Elves are through, there will not be an Asgard to belong to."

Loki tried to steady his shaking limbs. He knew what the Dark Elves could do, what they were capable of. They were far more efficient than the Chitauri. Loki had no doubt that with an ambush like this Asgard would be brought to its knees.

"You brought this upon them," Thanos hissed in his ear. Loki shifted away from and turned on him.

"No," Loki said, his voice so hard it cracked. "If you would have given me an army as worthy as the Dark Elves, I would have succeeded.  _You_ set me up for failure!" Thanos smiled wickedly and it donned on Loki then. He was right. Thanos had set him up.

"The Tesseract…" Loki realized. It was a portal. And the other end of the portal was here, in Asgard. Thanos had planned this all along.

Rage burned like ice inside his chest. He had been played, tricked into thinking the Tesseract was the only thing he was after. But Thanos had been out for Asgard since the beginning and had used him to get there.

But Loki was no longer the willing pawn. He would not give Thanos what he wanted so easily. Asgard was no longer what it used to mean to him, but that didn't mean he was going to let Thanos have it so easily.

An ice dagger formed in his hand. The ice was so cold it was like it was burning in his palm. With a shout, Loki lunged himself at Thanos though Loki knew that he could not really hurt him on his plane since he was not physically there. He was just hoping to break Thanos' concentration so Loki's mind would be set free from his clutches.

That was why Loki was so surprised when his blade sank into flesh.

Thanos didn't even raise a hand to protect himself. Blood poured from his wound in his chest. Laughing, Thanos grabbed him by his shoulders and slammed his head into Loki's nose. Loki staggered back and hit his side against something that was not there. Disoriented and angry, Loki attacked again. This time Thanos brought down his meaty fist on his head. Loki stumbled, but his dagger found a home in Thanos' side. Loki let go, not daring to take the time to pull it out, lest he be struck again.

Thanos laughed again, that horrible laugh. Loki looked up at him in confusion. While they had been fighting, the portal had opened up and Dark Elves were pouring into it. Thanos' wounds had disappeared and the dagger was also gone. Slowly Thanos walked up to Loki.

"I told you I'd make use of you yet."

A loud boom echoed somewhere in the distance and Loki was suddenly no longer standing before Thanos.

Loki was not even inside his cell. He was standing outside of it. There was blood on his hands and when he looked down, he saw the bodies of the guards around his feet. That was why Thanos had laughed. Loki had thought he was fighting Thanos, but in reality he had murdered these soldiers.

Another boom filled the air and Loki knew…

War had descended upon Asgard.


	14. Interlude- Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video made by Constance and Dictated by Summer

Hello again guys!

This isn’t a chapter but it is a video that me and my good friend Constance made for six hours until 1am last night.  We might have gone slightly insane….

But she is really freaking amazing at video editing and I’m really proud of the finished work! So I thought I would share it with you all and torture your feels with a video while you wait for the next update!

The link is below!

[Without You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg6bTpbWtmA&feature=youtu.be) by Constance & Dictated by Summer


	15. That Far Gone

**_That Far Gone_ **

****

Thor sat beside his father as they dined in Valhalla, though Thor had barely touched his meal. Frigga cast frequent worried glances in their direction as Odin sat in stubborn silence.

“Father,” Thor tried again for the hundredth time.

“Thor.” Odin said his tone hard and clearly stating his warning. But Thor, just as stubborn as his father, pressed on.

“We must talk about this,” he pleaded.

“Not now,” Odin replied shortly.

“Then when!”

“What would you have me do?” Odin snapped as he turned to face his son, his expression hard. They stared into each other’s eyes, both of them unwilling to back down. But as they searched each other’s gaze, they realized that both of them were feeling the same amount of hurt, betrayal and regret as the other. Odin’s expression softened and he sighed tiredly.

He opened his mouth to speak, but he never got the words out before the explosion wracked the hall. The force of the blast knocked them out of their chairs and onto the floor. Thor lied there for a moment until his ears stopped ringing and his vision cleared.

When he was able to see again, he pushed himself off the floor and watched as the first wave of heavily armored soldiers poured into the hall.

Who were they? Where was their warning? Where did they come from?

Thor had no time to further contemplate these things before he was attacked. He struck the armored face as it neared and moved on to the next one out of the endless stream of attackers. He had no time to stop to summon his hammer, for there were too many. Thor fought, beating back the intruders with the others that had been in the hall with them…those that were still alive that is.

Through the noise of the battle, Thor heard his mother scream. He knew it was his mother because she had screamed a name. She had screamed ‘Loki’.

As Thor turned, he saw his mother running. Thor followed her path with his eyes and saw his father fighting with Gungnir against the black armored soldiers. What his father failed to see was Loki walking up casually behind him. The look in his eyes was that of a wolf stalking his prey and his movements were as fluid as a snake ready to strike. Thor watched helplessly from across the hall as his father turned at the last minute. He had raised Gungnir to strike, but hesitated when he saw Loki standing there right behind him. Loki took advantage of Odin’s hesitation and thrust the wicked blade of the scepter through his father’s heart. He didn't even blink.

“NO!” Thor bellowed and reached out his hand. But it was already too late.

Loki gripped Odin by his golden armored plated shoulder and ripped the scepter out of his chest. He pushed Odin down to his knees until he was kneeling in front of him, the scepter, dripping with Odin’s blood eyelevel with its victim.

Thor stood paralyzed, watching as if in slow motion as Loki looked up from Odin kneeling before him to meet his eyes from across the hall. When their eyes met, he smiled wickedly.

Someone ran across his line of sight, and when they were out of the way, Thor saw Loki turn to leave. Another obstruction blocked his vision, but this time when he was able to see again, Loki was gone.

It was only then that Thor realized that he had been running. He cleared the ruble that blocked his way and made to his father’s side. Thor felt like he was still in a fog, or underwater. Frigga made it to Odin’s side shortly after he did. She clutched her husband's hand desperately and wept.

Thor looked down into his father’s eye. His mother’s cries seemed so far away…

Odin was already dead.

No last words. No final goodbyes.

His father was gone.

And Loki had killed him.

Thor trembled with rage. Loki had done this. He had killed his father and attacked Asgard. Thor didn’t know how he had done it, but he did. Loki was really that far gone. He had nothing left but destruction inside him.

  _I will not let you tear apart what is left of my family. I will not let you destroy my kingdom. My duty is to protect Asgard and the nine realms from you. And I will do it. And I will not let you or my feelings for you get in the way of that again…_

And Thor would keep his word.

Rising to his feet, he left his mother and his father behind as he ran to find Loki.

He was going to find him. And when he did, he was going to kill him.     


	16. Turned Into Storms

**_Turned into Storms_ **

****

Loki fought down a wave of nausea as he stepped over a bludgeoned corpse of yet another Asgardian soldier. The hall was scattered with them, but other than their bloodied faces staring up at him, he was alone.

The dark elves clearly were without mercy. Loki’s stomach dropped further when he thought about what the Dark Elves would do to the women and children once they reached the outside gates, if they had not already.

_This is my doing,_ Loki thought sorrowfully. _I brought this upon them._

He could not stop himself from thinking that if he had not been to taken by Thanos’ lies that he might have foreseen this. This never would have happened. It was not something he had wanted to happen.

Asgard had disowned him. He was no longer one of them…but he did not wish in his heart to see her plundered like this.

But what could he do now? Where was he to go? What side was he even on? Loki could not begin to even guess what his next move was. He did not even know where he was going in this moment.    

Loki was stepping around the body of another dead guard as he contemplated this when he suddenly doubled over in pain.

He dug his fingers into the side of his skull, his mouth open in a silent scream as the vision tore through his already fragile mind.

When the vision cleared, through his mind’s eye he could see the hall of Valhalla. But it was in ruins. The wall was blown out on one side and Loki realized distractedly that this must have been where the first explosion went off.

There were shadows around him, but he could not focus on them. It was as if he were in a dream he could not control. The shadows made a way for him and when he looked ahead he saw the battle being fought around the ruins of the hall.

He saw Thor. Loki felt his name bubble up to his lips, but he could not utter a sound. His mind’s eye was already drifting away from him and directing his attention to something else.

That’s when Loki saw Odin. He was swinging Gungnir around like the young warrior he used to be in their bedtime stories. Even though those stories were usually about his war with the Frost Giants.

Loki felt mixed emotions about seeing him there.

He had loved Odin once. Loved him like a father. But now he was just a liar. Loki should feel glad. He was getting what he thought he wanted. What Odin deserved. Payback for his sins and the pain he had caused him…But it was too high a cost. Loki didn’t want it. He never really did.

He saw that now. But he had realized that too late…too late.

Not soon after he had spotted Odin, Loki felt himself drawing near.

_No, I don’t want to be here!_  Loki thought, trying to shake the vision away. But it had him in an iron grip, there was no escaping this.

There was something in his hand. He could not look down or bring in into his sight to see it, but the weight and the feel of it was all too familiar. It was the scepter.

_What am I doing?_

Loki’s heart began to race and he felt his breath coming short.

_NO, NO, NO. NO!_ Loki screamed in his head, fighting harder than ever, though it was useless. He tried to call out to Odin, to warn him, but he was not the one in control of his voice.

Loki continued to draw near with a deadly intent. He heard his name, somewhere close, but he could not see who had yelled it. But he did not have to. He knew it was Frigga.

Loki’s heart clenched. Was he in his body? What was happening?

Loki was upon Odin. He was so close the he could have reached out and touched his shoulder.

Odin turned quickly, Gungnir raised in his hand, ready to spear his next attacker.

But when he saw Loki standing there, his battle hardened face dropped in surprise. The look in his eye changed from shock, to wonder in a matter of moments as he began to lower Gungnir to his side. Through his mind’s eye Loki saw him and regret filled his chest. In that moment Loki could see the pain written in the lines of Odin’s weary face.

There was an ocean of mistakes between them, all born of good intentions but they all had turned into storms of ill events that neither of them knew how to weather.

And Loki was sorry. If only he had a way of saying that now…

Loki felt his arm draw back. He wished he could close his eyes so he would not have to see the look on Odin’s face, but he couldn’t. This was Thanos’ gift to him, and he would have to endure every second of it.

The blade of the scepter plunged into Odin’s heart.

There was nothing he could do to stop it. He could do nothing while he ripped the scepter out of his chest but watch helplessly as his once father’s expression turned to one of utter betrayal.

_It’s not me, it’s not me, it’s not me,_ Loki whimpered over and over again.

Odin sank to his knees, blood pouring from the hole in his armor in angry red streams. Loki’s vision began to waver as Odin slipped from his view. He was looking across the hall where he suddenly met Thor’s eye.

Thor was screaming.

Loki felt his lips pull into a smile as he turned and walked away, leaving Odin to die alone in the ruins of his hall.

Then the vision was over.      

Loki placed a steading hand on the blood splattered wall while a soundless, wrenched sob escaped his lips, doubling him over and nearly bringing him down to his knees.

Odin was dead. Loki knew he was. He was not glad of it. He had not wanted him to die. And now he was dead thinking that he was murdered by the child he had brought into his home and raised as one of his own.

Loki had killed him in front of Frigga and in front of Thor.

_Thor!_

Loki slowly pulled himself erect, the trail of tears down his face glistening in the torchlight.

Thor would think that he done it. Loki had escaped from his cell, killed two guards, and it was his visage standing there for all to see as he killed Odin.

It was too perfect. How could he convince Thor it was not him? How could he face Frigga?

Loki couldn’t do it. He would never be able to convince them. He was a liar, how could they ever trust him?

But he had to try. He could never go on if Thor thought that he was the one that murdered their father. He would rather die than have him think that.  

Righting himself, Loki wiped the tears from his face and left the desolation behind as he ran to find Thor.

He was going to find him. And when he did, everything was going to be alright.              


	17. There Is No Way

**_There Is No Way_ **

 

Battles raged on everywhere. There was not a place you could turn without seeing someone fall. And in the midst of that chaos, Loki searched for Thor. He knew that he would be where the battle was thickest. Or so he hoped that was where he could find him.

So Loki searched. No one stopped him. They were too busy fighting for their lives. Fires burned and blood soaked the ground. There was no one there to stop Loki.

He happened upon a courtyard where a small war was being waged. There were too many to make it across safely. Loki craned his neck as he looked for a way while simultaneously searching for Thor. He hadn’t heard the telling boom of thunder and that worried him.

Where was he?

The hair on Loki’s body began to rise subtly. He looked down at his arm and his eyes widened in sudden realization. At the last second he threw himself as far away from that spot as he could.

A lightning strike erupted the ground where Loki was standing not a moment ago. Loki got hastily to his feet and as the dust cleared, he saw Thor, his face a storm of raging fury.

Loki had never seen him so angry.  And that anger directed at him was terrifying.

Thor roared as he swung his hammer down. Loki barely had the foresight to get out of the way. As he rolled to his feet he raised his hands in front of him only to find that he had picked up a spear to defend himself.

“Thor, Please! Listen to me!” Loki pleaded. Thor ignored him and threw Mjolnir. Loki lunged out of the way as the wall crumbled down from the force of the hammer.

“Brother, _please!”_ Loki screamed, truly terrified of Thor’s wrath. He had to get through to him somehow.

“I’m not your brother,” Thor bellowed and called Mjolnir back to his hand before lunging towards Loki again. But Loki evaded him. “FIGHT ME! ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED ALL ALONG?”

Loki nearly fell, but he got out of the way of the hammer’s path. “Thor! Please listen to me! It wasn’t me!”

“I’ve had enough of your lies!” Thor yelled as he effortlessly smashed his hammer into a column where Loki’s head had been.       

Loki was tiring. He was weak before this fight had even begun and now it was getting worse. He would not be able to last much longer. Loki wasn’t fast enough to move when Thor brought his hammer down, but he was able to deflect the blow with the spear, which shattered easily.

They were close to one another now. Close enough that Thor struck him across the face. Loki caught his wrist and landed a blow to his abdomen, hoping to slow him down enough to make him listen. But the attack only made him angrier.

Thor broke free of Loki’s grasp and heaved his hammer.

Loki went to step back to avoid Thor’s swing, but his eye caught something over Thor’s shoulder causing him to stop and time to slow.

It was his face. It was the other Loki. The scepter was held aloft in his hand and he was making right for Thor.  

“Thor! Look out!” Loki warned, his right hand reaching out.

But as Loki’s daggers flew from his hand, Thor’s hammer connected with his left side. Loki flew into the air, lightning cracking around his body as he collided with the stone wall that buckled under the force of his impact.

Thor continued to turn into his swing, his hammer ready to strike at the attack he anticipated coming from behind him.

But he stopped mid-swing as he stared into the face of Loki with two daggers embedded in his forehead. Horror spread across Thor’s face when the Loki before him began to turn. The illusion crumbled away and what was left standing there, gaping, was a two faced Dark Elf.

Thor lowered his hammer slowly as the Dark Elf collapsed to the ground, dead. The clattering of the scepter drew his attention at last. It was still wet with Odin’s blood…

A cold feeling washed over Thor. Loki had not killed his father…

_Loki._

Thor numbly began to turn his head to look over his shoulder, terrified at what he would see.

Loki was there on one knee, his hand on his side as he looked at Thor. Loki had not been sure if his daggers had saved Thor, so he had gotten up through the pain to help Thor if he could. When he saw Thor alive and looking at him, he was relieved, but that relief didn’t hold. His eyes began to close and he felt himself tilting to one side.

“LOKI!” Thor called out as he dropped his hammer and sprinted to his brother’s side. Thor caught him right before he fell, skidding against the gravel of rubble. He brought Loki into his arms, his back resting against Thor’s thigh. 

Loki grasped desperately at Thor’s shoulder as blood bubbled out of his mouth. Terror and fear ripped across Loki’s face as he tried to gasp for breath.   

“It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me, Thor,” Loki gasped, pain and blood making it hard to draw in the breath to speak. “You have to believe me, please!” Thor’s heart was painfully beating in a panic and his hands were clumsy and cold as he wiped the blood from the corner of Loki’s mouth and spread it down the side of Loki’s face, startlingly red against the paleness of his face.

Tears gathered and fell from Thor’s eyes. “I believe you, Loki. I’m so sorry,” he cried. “Just hold on,” Thor pleaded, his voice cracking and hoarse. “I’m going to help you.”

Thor tried to lift Loki, but Loki cried out an agonizing scream so Thor stopped.

“It’s too late for me, Thor,” Loki said choking softly, when he could breathe again. “It was always too late for me.” An excuse for a smile spread his bloody lips.  

“Loki, no!” Thor cried helplessly. “I can’t lose you again. Not like this.” He could barely get the words out over a hoarse whisper as he squeezed his eyes shut and cried. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

Loki furrowed his brow and closed his eyes painfully as he shook his head. “Shh, Thor. Just…Just hold me.” Loki felt himself slipping away and he was terrified. “Don’t let me go…Please, Thor…”

Thor cradled him in his arms, holding him tighter. “There’s no way I’m letting go.” He tried to smile but Thor’s face broke while he clutched Loki protectively to him as if he could keep death from pulling him away. “I love you, Loki. I always loved you.”                  

Loki looked up at his brother with his startlingly bright eyes. He lifted his hand to rest his bloodied fingers against his brother’s tear stained cheek.

“Never doubt…,” Loki began so say, his voice surprisingly clear and strong, “…how much I love you.” A tear slipped out of the corner of Loki’s eye and ran down into his hair, but he poured everything into an earnestly loving smile. A smile he had not given often enough.  

Thor held the hand Loki placed on his face and watched trembling as the smile slowly faded from his lips and all life left Loki’s eyes.

Soon…he was gone. 

Thor squeezed his eyes tightly shut, his lips parted with silent sobs. He wrapped his arms around Loki and hugged him close to his body while placing a hand on the back of his head. He pressed his cheek to the side of Loki’s bloodstained face and rocked him back and forth while sobs wracked his body. Loki was so cold, like he had never had any warmth to him to begin with. But Thor knew better. He remembered every smile, every laugh, every mischievous glint in his eye, every argument, and every fight…. all of it filled with the warmth of Loki’s touch. 

And he would never see that smile again, never hear his laugh, never see that spark of life in his eyes, never argue or fight with him again…

This was the world without Loki in it.

And it was cold and desolate, desperate for something that was no longer there.

This was the world without Loki.

What was Thor without Loki? 

Alone. So terribly, terribly alone.

* * *

Loki was dead.

The battle was won, and the threat eliminated.

Asgard rejoiced. They feasted in Odin’s honor and burned his body on a great pyre. Thor, Odin’s only one true son and heir was crowned king and revered as a hero for killing the traitor Loki Laufeyson. 

There was no feast for Loki. No funeral pyre. No tribute. No one wanted to remember Loki Odinson. They wished only to curse Loki Laufeyson. Not even Frigga mourned her husband’s murderer, for there was no way for Thor to clear Loki’s name. Many had seen with their own eyes, Loki strike Odin down. The evidence that would have untarnished Loki’s name from the one crime he did not commit, was gone.  

So when Thor remembered Loki, he remembered the good things about his brother. The brother no one else knew or understood.

And when Thor mourned, he mourned alone.

 

**_The End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you have it folks! Thank you so much for your reviews and support. They really, really do mean a lot! You guys are great, seriously. Lots of love coming your way :)
> 
> But don’t start throwing tomatoes at me and booing me off the stage just yet! I have an announcement! 
> 
> I’ve decided to continue the series! You can end the story here or you can continue reading to the next one!  
> It’s going to be called The End Is the Beginning (I’ll post the original description below) and it’s going to feature kid!Loki, King Thor, Frigga, Sigyn, Balder (Though he’s not going to be Thor’s half-brother, I think, but rather his cousin or something because I want to preserve that brother connection between Thor and Loki. Haven’t really decided yet, what do you guys think??), Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, and more of Asgard. 
> 
> So stay tuned for the next installment!
> 
> The End is the Beginning  
> Days, months, years.  
> That’s how long it took Loki to return to Thor. Not as the man he used to be, but as a child.


End file.
